


Diamonds and Rust

by PhantomEngineer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (the adultery is not the Severus/Lily bit), Adultery, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Prophecy, Slow Burn, but it is a bit of a running theme
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-05-13 17:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14753012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhantomEngineer/pseuds/PhantomEngineer
Summary: Lily and Severus used to be close, until they weren’t anymore. For a time they were inseparable, and then their lives were completely separate. Nothing remained but memories, some good and some bad. Lily married James, and was perfectly happy. She was a perfect wife. A perfect fit for him. Sometimes there would be moments when he was displeased with her, or when she would have strangely nostalgic moments for who she had once been. But she overcame them, proud of how well she had managed to transform herself from a wide-eyed muggleborn to the confident witch she was, so accustomed and at home in her new world that no one who didn’t know could possibly guess she hadn’t been born in it. But then, one moment when things are slightly less than perfect, Lily indulges in a fit of nostalgia and revisits Cokeworth. She never intended for anything but a brief stroll down memory lane.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The idea of Severus and Lily being able to use each other's wands is not mine, it comes from seviseviyorum.

In her own way, Lily was so incredibly proud of how far she’d come. Her happy kitchen in the cosy cottage of Godric’s Hollow was just one of the many little bits of proof. She wasn’t the odd little girl she had once been but rather a fully fledged witch married happily to the love of her life. It was like a fairy tale, in a way. As if she had been Cinderella who had found her Prince Charming in the shape of James Potter, with a cast of ugly step-sisters in the form of her own sister Petunia, who had always been so jealous of her, and Severus whose nastiness she had forgiven for far longer than she should have. Though a part of her also thought that was harsh. Her parents had loved and supported her, and she had never lived a life of poverty or hard-work. She had loved Petunia, once, back when she had been young. She had been close to Severus, almost inseparably close for a while. But then both of them had shown themselves to be unpleasant to a degree that Lily could no longer forgive. James had helped her steel her resolve and see all of their flaws. On her own she had always tried to understand them, accepting that no one was perfect.

Maybe it would be better to consider herself more like the little mermaid, who had left her world entirely to be with her true love. She had after all not actually been born in the wizarding world, though she had embraced it whole-heartedly. She hadn’t had to make the sacrifices the little mermaid had had to make, though. Lily had read the original when she was still quite young, when she had Severus had had a phase for reading all sort of dark fairytales in their original forms. She had had to change to fit in properly, but that wasn’t a sacrifice. It was just a necessary part of growing up. The parts of her that had been left firmly in the past were elements that she was now embarrassed to even remember. The girl who had once been such good friends with Severus, who had played in the grubby parts of Cokeworth with him, that girl was best forgotten about. She had grown up.

It was a normal evening, the kind that happened like clockwork. James was readying himself for an Order mission with Frank and Sirius. Lily wasn’t worried, as she knew they were all competent people. She trusted that James would return home to her eventually, though she knew that Alice struggled more with being left alone. She was looking forward to finally having a baby, or at least being able to count down the month to when it was born. That was the last cornerstone of her happy ending. Lily knew that pregnancy would necessitate her withdrawing from active participation from the Order missions, a reality she was already preparing for. It was easier anyway. James didn’t like her heading out on active missions and putting herself in danger. She had started copying Alice, who had always been interested in healing, and learning how to support the other members in that manner. She had always been good with potions, so it was no real strain. She had been good at charms, but in a more general sense, so she left the complex healing charms to Alice and took pleasure in knowing that there were complex potions that no one else could brew except her. Both Flitwick and Slughorn had praised her highly while still at school. When she’d told them about her intention to marry James, they had reacted differently though. Slughorn had nodded understandingly, while Flitwick had congratulated her with an almost disappointed look in his eyes.

“Hope we can get some Death Eaters,” James was saying cheerfully as he checked the placement of his wand in its holster.

“Be careful,” Lily said suddenly, instantly regretting speaking the words. She knew it would only annoy James, and then he would leave in a bad mood. She resented the war and the Order, interfering in her happy ending. But it was also an important and just cause, so they had to fight for what was right. She admired James’s bravery and commitment. True to form, he glared at her.

“Don’t worry,” he said impatiently, “It’s nothing dangerous. Besides, it’s only people like Sniv from school. If he’s there, then I can take him no problem.”

Lily winced slightly. She didn’t like it when he brought up Severus. She knew that he had been so completely right about him, that she had been a fool to overlook all that was so awfully wrong about Severus for as long as she did. She had believed, innocently, that the fact that she had been able to use his wand suggested that underneath the unsavoury elements he displayed to the world there lurked the boy she had initially met. But she had realised that it must have been some kind of mistake. She couldn’t use James wand at all, despite how close they were and how completely in love. They had no secrets between them and yet if she tried to use his wand it would burn her savagely. She didn’t know if it was being in Slytherin that had made Severus change, or if he had always been that way with his sorting to Slytherin merely showing that fact to the world. She had only been a muggleborn, unaware of the importance of such things. 

“Sorry,” she said. He sighed in slight irritation, drawing his wand smoothly to Apparate away, leaving her alone. She felt a wave of guilt and sorrow. Normally he would kiss her goodbye, but she had upset the mood before he left so he hadn’t. She hated when she did something like that. She didn’t want him to have left like that, leaving her with memories of the girl she had been. Leaving her with memories of the time she had been friends with Severus. 

She paced round the house, annoyed. She had matured into a woman she was proud to be. She didn’t want to be distracted by thoughts of her life before marrying James. For a moment it felt like she was haunted by memories, forced to remember a past she wished she could blot out. A part of her wished that James had not known her then, but then it was in part due to him that she had finally been able to see the light. She nearly went to bed, alone and unhappy. Wishing that the war could end soon, so that she and James could spend more time together and just be a happy couple. With a sigh, she drew her own wand contemplatively. Then she went back to where she had been a child, a happy, bright child with a wondrous future ahead of her, Apparating to Cokeworth. Maybe being there would remind her of how the war and the issues that brought were just a temporary issue. They would win, and then everything would be exactly as wonderful as it should be. They would have a baby, which would grown up in the wizarding world, happy in Godric’s Hollow. 

She stood on the street, outside the house she had grown up in. Looking at the house that had been such an important part of her childhood. Maybe it was strange, to stand there across the street and look at it. She could see lights flickering on upstairs, those within going through their evening routines. She felt a tug of nostalgia, back to when she had been young. Back to when one of those rooms had been hers, a bedroom that had remained frozen in time as she went away to Hogwarts, never worth updating or redecorating to a more age appropriate style as she was there so rarely. Back to when she could walk down the landing to her parents’ room or poke her head round the door to Petunia’s. 

She wished that she could walk across the street, ring the doorbell and be welcomed in. Hug her mother and father, sit down with them and talk. It was impossible, though. They didn’t live there anymore. She had no idea who occupied the house now. Her parents had died, suddenly; killed by a drunk driver in a car crash in her final year at Hogwarts. Petunia had dealt with the funeral arrangements and sold the house. Lily had done nothing but grieve, a world away. Isolated in a castle that seemed almost independent of the world beyond it. 

She had wished she was still friends with Severus when she got the news, so she could cry on his shoulder. He had known her parents, even if not to the extent she had. He understood the memories she kept locked inside her heart, of being a child in Cokeworth. But she hadn’t cried on his shoulder, she had cried on James’s shoulder. He had been there, constantly. Every moment she had considered going to Severus, to at least tell him, as he deserved to know that they had died at the very least and she knew Petunia would never pass on the news. Every moment she had thought maybe things could change for the better, James had been there, distracting her with his loving hugs.

James had changed, from a boy who had bullied her best friend to a good, honourable man who had been Head Boy. Severus had changed too, though in the opposite direction. Whereas James had become a good person, Severus had become a bad person. She knew that, but still she had held out hope, that just like how James had changed for the better Severus might too turn away from the darkness. She had been weak with grief, willing to give him a chance to see if he had, only James had been there every moment to prevent her. To save her from herself.

She had been impressed with James, for his dedication to her. It was almost as if no one else had been allowed to comfort her except him. Her whole world had revolved around him and her grief. None of her other friends had offered their support, only James. It was strange, when she thought of it. Cold of them, almost. As if there had been no one else left in the world except her and James. As if she had been abandoned by everyone else. 

It had been part of the reason why it had felt to natural to marry James straight out of Hogwarts. She had no family home to go back to, things were far too strained with Petunia for her to feel able to stay with her. Her friends were all distant, as if James was the only other person in the world. The only person in her life, the one who everything came back to. Purebloods seemed to marry early, settling down and having children before twenty being nothing unusual, and James was a pureblood. It was what she, as a witch, was expected to do. She wasn’t the only one, Alice had also married straight out of school, smiling happily as she thought of the sons she would bear. Lily had never thought she would do the same when she had been eleven, stepping onto the Hogwarts Express to take her to her future.

She had never thought that her parents would die, either. She had never thought that the arguments with Petunia would create such a schism between the two of them, sisters but only in blood. She had never believed she would ever cease being friends with Severus, certain that friendships were things that lasted forever. She’d believed she’d never like James Potter, or any of his friends. She would never have believed it had anyone told her, that young little girl so excited to learn magic, that she would marry James, be without her parents and no longer speaking to either Petunia or Severus. And yet that was how her future had unfolded. 

She wrapped her cloak around her, just a light one against the summer air. It was evening, so the day was cooling, and she was grateful for it. She was also grateful that there were few people on the street, to notice the strange woman standing there dressed in robes and a cloak, staring at the house she had once called her home. It hadn’t occurred to her until she touched her cloak how out of place her clothing might be. It had been a long time since she’d been in the muggle world. She spent all of her time now in places like Godric’s Hollow where any need for secrecy, for hiding what she was, was nonexistent. If anything the only thing worth hiding was that she had once lived as a muggle, though that was not something she consciously hid. It made her proud though, when strangers met her and mistook her for a pureblood, her actions and familiarity with the wizarding world so natural now. She could barely remember what it had been like, to be a child whose eyes had only just been opened to the existence of magic, now that it formed the backbone of her life.

At least she was a woman, she thought idly, as she started to walk down the street, letting her feet take her where they chose. She wasn’t really going anywhere, she had no purpose, was merely taking a literal stroll down memory lane. A wizard wearing robes would have stood out more. As it was, any muggle would think she was just wearing a very odd style of dress, though the cloak was uncompromisingly strange for the muggle world. It made her wonder how long it had been since she wore truly muggle clothing. Probably the summer before her final year at Hogwarts, she thought realistically. She hadn’t had a reason to wander about in the muggle world since then. Even her parents’ funeral she had worn sombre black robes to, an act that had horrified Petunia. That was what witches wore, robes. And she was a witch, not a muggle. A witch who was married to a wizard whose family had been magical since records began.

Her feet took her on a familiar route, though not quite the one she had used as a young girl. Then she had clambered through shortcuts to find her way to Spinner’s End, but she still knew the way by the streets that respectable adults might walk, not that any respectable adults would regularly choose to walk from the neighbourhood where she had grown up to the one Severus had grown up in. Once again, she stood on a street she no longer found to be truly familiar, nostalgic but almost from a different planet. Standing there, looking across at a house she had seen so many times but which she no longer had the connection to that she once had. 

The lights were on. She had no actual proof that Severus still lived in the house, but she thought it to be pretty likely. She knocked on the door, before she lost the momentum that had carried her that far. She was brave. She had always been brave. That was why she had been in Gryffindor. That was why the world had separated her from Severus in the first place, the initial instance that indicated their paths through the world would be different, though as an adult looking rationally at the streets they had both been children on should have made that clear, just in a different fashion. She paused, knowing that she had nothing to say to Severus. She hadn’t thought that far ahead, merely replaying her life. A girl in the muggle world, who had been friends with a boy who lived in the house in front of her, and who had married James. Had her resolve and determination been less, she would have Apparated away, leaving the occupant mystified, but the door opened quickly, as if she had been expected.

“Hello,” came a familiar voice, the one she was expecting but not in that tone. She would have expected surprise or maybe wariness. Maybe anger. Maybe no greeting at all. Instead, the tone was almost sultry, seductive and oozing confidence. With a flash of realisation, it occurred to her that he was expecting someone else. Their eyes met, a moment of startled embarrassment.

He was dressed, but only just. He was wearing rather tight jeans that didn’t leave a lot to the imagination. His shirt was loose, because it was completely unbuttoned to display his chest. He had been lounging almost casually against the doorframe, a wanton and suggestive pose. As he realised that she was not whoever it was he had been expecting, he shifted his posture to stand awkwardly, pulling his shirt closed to cover himself properly, though there was little her could do about the tightness of the jeans.

“…Hi…” Lily said, blushing. Severus stared at her, his cheeks turning a horrified red. She had never considered seeing him in a manner that had so much sexual suggestiveness. She had never considered him in a remotely sexual manner, as if he wasn’t a boy in the same way the other boys at Hogwarts had been, because he had been her friend. She had always got the impression that he had felt the same way about her, though he could be very reticent with his feelings. 

“…Hi…” he said back, his eyes darting around past her as if checking the street behind her. He was definitely waiting for someone, Lily thought, embarrassed laughter threatening to bubble up. She repressed it, suddenly desperate to get away. She didn’t know why she had knocked on the door really, but now she wanted to speak to him, yet at the same time she didn’t. She was upset and giddy, shocked and now seeing him in a light she felt was no different to seeing him literally in the act of having sex, as if she had stumbled in on her sister being shagged by Vernon on the living room sofa of her childhood home, something that she should never see but now could never quite unsee. He was clearly expecting someone, someone she wasn’t sure if she wanted to meet, or if he would want her to meet, an encounter that would make their current situation even more awkward than it already was. She had knocked at the door so now she had to do something, she had to talk to him, she had to give a reason for her sudden impulse. She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting. To interrupt him as he put on his Death Eater robes, maybe, in preparation for going out to wherever James too would likely be. But he didn’t seem to be preparing for a night like that, or dressed for anything remotely magical. It was more like he was preparing to undress, a thought she was horrified to find drifting through her mind.

“Are you free tomorrow?” she asked in a hurried rush, the words almost falling over themselves to pour out of her mouth. She didn’t want to think of why he might not be free, what it was he might be planning or how long it might last. He nodded, still appearing frozen with shock. She couldn’t exactly blame him. They hadn’t spoken in years, and she had been very clear that they would never again be friends. He had never bothered her after that, accepting her decision. Maybe had it been the summer after their falling out, after he had called her a mudblood, then if she had found herself on his doorstep finally ready to forgive him it would have been a more natural progression. One that she might have expected to have happened, had anyone ever told her that she and Severus would cease to be friends.

It had hurt, in a way, that he just left it at that. It hurt because he had always respected her decisions so much, and even with something so painful and decisive he had accepted it. It hurt that he had respected her in that, but had not respected her blood status.

“I’ll come back then,” Lily continued, trying not to look at anything except his face, “At nine tomorrow morning?” 

Severus nodded again, wordlessly. His eyes were fixed on hers, confused and nervous. Awkwardly, she backed away, almost stumbling in her desperation to appear to be calmly leaving his property. He closed the door slowly, his eyes never leaving hers.


	2. Chapter 2

James stumbled into bed some time after dawn, clearly exhausted. Lily had grown accustomed to the fact that some nights she would go to bed alone. It was not particularly romantic, but it was a necessary sacrifice for the war. She knew her life wasn’t the only one being disrupted, and at least she was lucky enough that her and James could still make time to spend together occasionally, even if it wasn’t as often as she might have liked. The fact that neither of them needed to work certainly helped. As he had collapsed into the bed, barely managing to change into his nightshirt in his exhaustion, he had woken her. The light peeking through the curtains played across her face, preventing her from returning to sleep. She quietly slipped from their bed, making sure not to disturb James though she doubted anything would wake him. 

She knew that he was a heavy sleeper, and especially so when exhausted. For a brief moment she stood and watched him sleep. He looked so peaceful, tousled black hair against the white pillows of their bed. His wand and glasses were placed haphazardly on his bedside table. She paused slightly and then moved his wand, so it was less in danger of falling. She could feel it humming under her palm, an angry resentment that clashed with her. She could remember the one and only time she had tried to use it, and how badly the burn had stung. She was glad to put it down, safe beside his glasses. 

Quietly, she opened her wardrobe, rummaging as silently as she could. She was certain that she must still own some muggle clothes, though it had been a long time since she wore them. She didn’t even know if they would still fit her if she did find any, and if they would still suit her. They would be muggle clothes for a girl, and she was a woman. In the end, not wanting to risk waking James, she gave up and chose a robe that would not be too out of place. One that could pass for a very old-fashioned dress, though she had no idea what counted as fashionable in the muggle world. She had never cared about such things when she was young, that was the kind of thing that Petunia was interested in while she was busy playing in the dirt with Severus even at an age when most would have already matured away from such childish habits. By the time she had come to care about her clothes she was a witch, nearing the end of her time at Hogwarts, preparing for her wedding. So all she knew was the finest cuts of robes, the styles that flattered and all the details that could go into their construction. 

She had known that James would almost certainly be back late, and she had always intended to let him sleep. Rather than having to make sure she was quiet in the house so as not to disturb him, she often preferred to go out for a walk or to buy anything they needed. In some ways it was perfect, as it meant she could return to Cokeworth without having to explain where she was going to James. She didn’t think he would understand, especially as she didn’t really understand herself. She knew that if she told him he would likely try to persuade her to not go, but she wanted to lay those old ghosts to rest once and for all. If he couldn’t talk her out of it, then he might come with her for support, as well as out of mistrust of Severus, suspecting him of all sorts of heinous crimes. It would just lead to conflict and an escalation of what was really just her having a silly moment of nostalgia. Besides, James knowing that she had gone to Cokeworth and met Severus, even just briefly, was embarrassing. She knew that he thought she had grown beyond that. 

She knew that she should just leave it, and spend the morning pottering about quietly in the garden, but she also hated the idea of backing down. She had, stupidly, told Severus that she would be back. She had no real choice but to return to Cokeworth, though she knew that in the light of day all of the pleasant nostalgia of the night before would be gone. In some ways it would probably do her good, to see Severus as he was, a man who had changed so much from the boy he had been. Having an actual conversation with him would surely serve to remind herself why they were no longer friends. It would reinvigorate her fervour for the war, and mean that she would be able to really no longer care when James talked about Severus in the same sentence as Death Eaters.

She understood that the war did not work to a set clock and that as Order members they all had to be prepared to go on missions at any time of day. Sometimes she would go out on Order business herself, or attend meetings though not as much as James. She knew she wasn’t the only one, as Alice too spent a lot of her time at home even when Frank went out. Sometimes the two of them would meet, discussing day to day things, the constant worry of having husbands so eager to fight on the front lines and the hopes for when they had babies. She liked spending time with Alice, normally in one of their kitchens but sometimes out in a cafe. There was a nice one in Godric’s Hollow, as well as one just off Diagon Alley. Alice had been busier of late, though, so they had had less time to spend together. She wondered, a sudden moment, if she should owl her. It would do her some good to talk to a friend, a real friend rather than Severus who had been a friend but now no longer was. She wanted to have a conversation about hopeful dreams for when they both had babies, raising them together as friends. She wanted a distraction, just as she knew that Alice often wanted a distraction from the fear of the war shattering her perfect life, of it somehow tearing Frank away from her while she fretted at home.

Lily had never really given that much thought to whether she wanted children or not, it didn’t seem to the the kind of thing that wizards or witches considered. It was simply the step that came after marriage, almost a duty required to maintain the population. For purebloods she knew that the issue of continuing the bloodline was vitally important too, though with her blood being added into the mix any children of hers would no longer be counted in the same category. But that didn’t matter, as the people she had surrounded herself with, the people from the Order of the Phoenix, did not care about such things.

Quietly she left the house, Apparating away to Cokeworth. It seemed less nostalgic in the daylight, as if without the lengthening shadows it was no longer the same place. No longer the place where she had been a child with simple dreams but just a rundown town, the flaws of which she could now see so clearly, both drawn out by the sunlight that shone uncompromisingly over the town but also her adult eyes that saw it for what it was. Adult eyes that had seen Hogwarts, had seen Godric’s Hollow. Adult eyes that belonged in the wizarding world, not this miserable muggle town. She walked down Spinner’s End, almost consumed with disbelief. She had once walked down it regularly. She had walked down it the night before, full of maudlin nostalgia. It looked better with the shadows of sunset hiding the truth.

Severus opened the door to her, awkwardly but fully dressed and expecting her, showing her to the kitchen. They were silent, as if they had nothing to say to each other, where once they had chattered non-stop about all kinds of inconsequential things. Lily felt unwelcome, though not explicitly so. As if she was intruding. As if she didn’t belong in that kitchen. It was clean at least, even if not as neat or nice as the one in her house at Godric’s Hollow. That was a wizarding kitchen and this was, despite the wizard in it, a muggle kitchen. Despite that, Severus was dressed as if he was a normal muggle, living on the street he had been raised on. 

He was clearly tired, having obviously spent less of the night sleeping than she had. She felt a slight twinge of satisfaction at the idea of him suffering because she had specified the time and so he had woken earlier than he might have wanted to. She also felt a certain amount of jealousy. Her and James should be able to spend their nights together, yet it was because of people like Severus who meant that they often couldn’t. The war took precedence over everything.

“How do you take your tea?” he asked, almost blandly. An imitation of hospitality in a kitchen that didn’t look like it should have visitors, ever. It was not the question of old friends, but rather a stranger to another stranger. That was what they were to each other now, she was just a stranger calling on him, knowing nothing of his life. Lily might have thought that she was the first visitor to ever grace the house, but she assumed there had been another woman knocking on his door after her the night before. She wondered, briefly, if he had made her breakfast, but she cast that thought from her mind. She didn’t want to think of such things. 

“The same way as always,” she said, almost as a challenge. She hadn’t changed. She had no idea if he would remember something like that, though. They had never been adults who sat down and talked over a cup of tea. They had been children who matured, or at she had. The question rankled, as if he didn’t care enough to remember, or as if he expected her to have changed. He asked no further questions, turning away from her to focus on the brewing of the tea as she sat at the plain wooden table, serving it to her in a serviceable but ugly mug. 

He sat down across from her, a cup of tea in front of each of them as if providing a barrier. It was a strange situation. Lily had never really been to his house when they were children, avoiding it as he had often preferred to do. His dislike of his family had spread to her, though in reality she had rarely ever interacted with Tobias. Eileen she had seen a few times, though not well enough to do anything more than form a wariness of her, deeper than the discomfort she normally had for strange adults when she was a child. Now she wondered what they had really been like. All she knew of them was the fleeting glimpses and Severus’s reluctance, enough to form an idea but never more than a vague sensation of people rather than actual people. For all she knew they had been perfectly decent parents merely worn down by the difficult child that she now realised Severus must have been.

It was strange, in a way, that they had been childhood friends and yet she had barely ever met his parents, never until that day entered the house the Snapes had called home. She didn’t even know what had happened to his parents, though it was clear from the way he had acted the night before and from the way he acted when she had arrived that morning that they no longer lived there. Dead, she presumed, though she knew nothing about it for certain. It seemed unlikely that they would have moved away and left Severus the house though. Once upon a time she would have known for sure. Even if Severus had always been close-lipped about his home life, she imagined something like that he would at least have mentioned. But now they were simply gone, vanished away without an explanation. She felt unable to ask.

In a way it bothered Lily, how withdrawn he was. It hurt and confused her, as if everything that was happening made no sense. She would have thought that he would be grateful for her making the effort to at least consider rekindling their friendship, reaching out to find out whether there was still some lingering traces of light kept locked within him. She would have thought that maybe he would make some sharp, sarcastic comments to put her off initially, expressing some dislike. Or maybe just flat out showing himself to be so completely indoctrinated into the ideology of Voldemort, a Death Eater that was beyond redemption, rebuffing her clearly and restating his opinion that she was nothing but a mudblood.

But there was none of that. She had already dismissed that he was a Death Eater, or if he was he clearly wasn’t a very good one. She couldn’t imagine anyone who truly cared about blood purity or the subjugation of muggles living so casually on the muggle street he had grown up on. She assumed he still owned robes, but just like the night before he was dressed as if he were nothing but a normal muggle. Better clothing than the assorted ill-fitting rags he had worn when they were children, but still uncompromisingly muggle. He could step out and walk along the streets, blending in perfectly. If he were to Apparate to Godric’s Hollow then he would stick out like a sore thumb, as if a muggle had somehow stumbled into the heart of the wizarding world.

“So,” she said, breaking the awkward silence in a way that was even more awkward than simply letting it reign, “Who were you seeing last night?”

“None of your business,” he snapped sharply, killing that line of conversation and ruling out any friendly discussions. Lily felt a wave of anger pass through her, at her attempt at reconciliatory chitchat being so harshly rebuffed.

“It’s not my fault you changed,” she said defensively. In some ways, that to her was the crux of the problem. She had liked him when they were children, had gone out of her way to be friends with him despite the way in which everyone advised her against it. But then they had gone to Hogwarts, just as he had promised her they would, and there he had abandoned her in favour of dark magic. He had done so long before either of them even realised it, from the moment the Sorting Hat had seen the darkness in him and sorted him accordingly. She just hadn’t known it, as she’d been an innocent muggleborn without the deeper understanding that the purebloods had, her entire knowledge at the time coming from Severus who was obviously biased. 

“ _I_ changed?” he asked incredulously, and almost glanced round the kitchen, before giving her robes an almost disgusted look. She felt a moment of shame, then rallied. There was nothing wrong with the fact that she had grown up to have prospects whereas he had made nothing of himself. In some ways, sitting there in that kitchen, it was as if she had stepped back in time. Severus had aged, but he was still wearing mismatched muggle clothing in the same way that the boy she had first met had been. He still lived in the same house on the same street, in the same degree of poverty as far as she could tell. As if time had frozen. 

“Yes,” she said defiantly, “You changed. But not like James, who changed for the better. I tried, Severus. I tried to be friends with you even when everyone in Gryffindor, all my other friends, were telling me I should give up on you. That you were bad. I even accepted your complete lack of gratitude when you went poking about and James ended up having to save your life.”

“Gratitude?” he snapped, suddenly a hint of anger coming into his voice, and Lily was almost glad to have inspired a response even if it was anger. She hadn’t expected anything more pleasant from him anyway.

“Gratitude?” he repeated, his tone trembling with controlled anger, “Gratitude that Potter didn’t actually want to feed me to a bloody werewolf unlike Black? No doubt to protect Lupin from the consequences of accidentally killing someone rather than actually caring what happened to me. I’m glad that I know how much you care.”

“What?” Lily asked after a moment, frowning in confusion as she tried to make sense of what he was saying, his response so unlike anything she had expected, “What werewolf? Remus…? What are you on about?”

He froze, and seemed to sink back into himself, giving her a puzzled look. Then, something seemed to dawn on him, and a hand went to his mouth, as if he had accidentally spilled a secret, a slight look of worry passing over his face. He gave her a strange look, as if searching for an answer. There was a sense of conflict coming off of him in waves, as if a part of him was on the verge of drawing away and saying no more on the topic, and another part wanted to spill everything.

“Lupin…” he said very slowly, as if he felt an obligation to something, though Lily wasn’t quite sure what it was that he was thinking, “He’s a werewolf… I thought you knew. Black told me how to get past the Whomping Willow, and when I did I found Lupin transformed, and Potter saved me. I assumed they told you?”

Lily sat back, startled. That was not the same story that she had heard. Even accounting for bias, with Severus shifting the blame away from himself and diminishing James’s heroism, she had heard only that there was a prank that went a little astray and James had bravely stepped in to save the day. There had been no mention of werewolves. That was far more dangerous than she had been imagining. 

“I didn’t know…” she said, surprised by the realisation. She might have believed him to be telling a lie, trying to drive a wedge between her and Remus, but his reaction seemed to make it clear that he had never intended to tell her a secret but rather was speaking of something he had been confident she knew the truth about as well. 

Severus played awkwardly with his tea, glancing at her surreptitiously, as if he was checking her for something. There wasn’t much that either of them could say, really. Lily felt as if the carpet had been drawn out from under her feet. Severus seemed to be torn, on the one had he was still as defensive as he had been when Lily first turned up and yet also subdued, concerned, emotions she couldn’t quite understand seeming to be playing about behind his eyes.

“Thanks for the tea,” Lily said, standing up abruptly, her mug not entirely empty but not caring. The kitchen had fallen ominously silent as if there was no conversation that could really fill it. The startling revelation that there was a secret she hadn’t known, about Severus who had been her friend at the time and about James who she thought she shared everything with, had knocked all of the righteous anger from her. She felt drained. She wanted to get back to Godric’s Hollow before James woke up. She wanted to be away from Spinner’s End and Severus’s gaze. It wasn’t much of a parting greeting, and it left everything still unsaid. A part of her regretted having come, as if she had accidentally opened Pandora’s box and was doomed to suffer because of her foolish actions. 

“My shifts aren’t always regular,” Severus said, his eyes averted from her, “Because some of us have to work you know, but I tend to be free Tuesday mornings if you want. Owl me, or put a note through the door, if you need.”

She nodded vaguely, aware that she would have to either fit it in when James was otherwise engaged on Order business, which was admittedly a lot of the time, or invent a reasonable excuse to explain her going out alone. She didn’t want to tell him where she had gone, and if she did return to Spinner’s End she didn’t know if she really wanted to tell him. She could imagine the look on his face, the arguments that would likely follow, just because it was the kind of thing that would worry him, thinking that she was putting herself in harms way. Without much care for etiquette, she Apparated away from inside Severus’s kitchen, back to her own beautiful little garden, knowing that she’d never have done so had it been anyone else’s house she had been in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Regarding my HP WIPs](https://phantomengineer.dreamwidth.org/5881.html)


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